Since I was 11 I’ve been trying to figure what’s “wrong” with me. I’ve been told I am bipolar, I have ADD, ADHD, I battled with depression, wondered if I suffered from borderline personality disorder after watching Girl, Interrupted one too many times at a young age. Except Winona Ryder was the one with borderline personality disorder and I preferred, that is if I were to be any kind of crazy whatever crazy is, Angelina Jolie, who played a sociopath. Recently my therapist in 2014 diagnosed me with PTSD, which I can agree makes the most sense given my behavior and history.

BUT there is nothing wrong with me. Except every time I’ve told myself this I have never believed it. Maybe there are moments, bursts of confidence, rare seconds of self-acceptance, but nothing permanent. In the past when I’ve tried to describe myself, I always quoted Kate Winslet as Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when she says, “But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.” At 27 I think about all the women in their 30s who still feel like inadequate fucked up little girls. Maybe they don’t use fucked up, no maybe they hide behind more common widespread self-defeat such as being physically dissatisfied with themselves, allowing some kind of abuse from a partner, lacking the courage to speak with certainty, constantly questioning themselves and the choices they make, subconscious self-sabotaging of anything good or healthy for them, clothing themselves with expensive luxury labels because if they can’t believe that they are good enough at least they can appear to have it all together.

Being the fucked up, crazy, manic pixie dream girl, with an outspoken nonchalant, nobody can hurt me because I am tough attitude, and living in a constant state of my past is my comfort zone. It scares me to think what it would be like to be able to look in the mirror and know I am a capable, functioning adult, and to love myself even when I don’t really like myself, and to trust myself even when I am unsure, and to laugh at myself even when I feel so stupid I could cry, and to openly admit to people yes, I think I am beautiful, yes thank you for your compliments, instead of disagreeing and thinking people are insane for finding me attractive. I want this for myself and I want it before 30.

BUT I don’t really know how I am going to do it and I don’t necessarily have a full plan but I have put a few things together to help get myself started. Here is my list:

  • Work on exploring and enhancing all 6 dimensions of wellness; emotional, occupational, physical, spiritual, intellectual, and social.
  • Commit to therapy for at least 3 months with my awesome new skills-based counselor Lisa who is helping me work through my major issues by guiding me through with DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).
  • Accomplish major goals such as: finish my memoir, be a featured writer for a major blog such as Huffington Post, and buy home.
  • Write, write, write, edit, share, and write some more.
  • Figure what loving myself, self-acceptance, having confidence, and all that other positive stuff really means. I know it’s not all quotes, affirmations, and sunshine.
  • Think less, live more.
  • Quit the 9-5 life. For good!

I don’t think I will have it all figured out by 30, I don’t even think I would want to have it all figured out, but I do know I don’t want to spend my 30s living as I did in my 20s. I don’t want to spend my life wondering what could’ve been and I know a lot of people say they don’t but most of those people never do anything about it.

I am calling this the Before 30 Project and what I would love is for you to join me. Not only because it’ll make my blog more popular if you keep coming back and continue spreading the word, but also because I know I am not the only one who needs a major life cleanse. 

I’ll be writing blog posts specific to this project because as a super nerd I love to document all of my discoveries and share my knowledge with the rest of you.

If you have any ideas, topics, or suggestions, email me:

n [at] loveniloufar.com

Love,

Niloufar